Being THOUSANDS of miles away from home you finally get to sit back and catch up with yourself. When Snapchat won't load correctly. When Facebook statuses won't update. When your text messages won't send properly and in the event they do the recipient is 8 to 9hrs behind you so both of your schedules are off. When phone calls are $.20/min. Against your own personal will, you kinda catch up with yourself. You tend to do a lot of "self-checking" mixed with some "soul searching". You're not worried about what outfit to wear.You're not worried about what the weather will be like, or who said what about who on social media. It all goes away. It all just doesn't exist. Just you, your thoughts, and your well being. I'm not taking a hiatus from the world. I didn't choose to wander off into the land of wilderness with my RV and my trusty companion pup. I'm deployed.
One week in and I can already see the change in myself. Good change. Being able to get back to being me. Being able to find the "me" that I lost because I was caught up in the world. It's ultimately a breaking of sacrificing. I admire being the hero in disguise. The knight in shiny armor who saves the day. The guy that broke his back and became the bridge so everyone could successfully get across. Being here it's all about me again. Besides watching my Battle's back in combat, it's about me. I find myself always putting others first. A lot. More than I like to admit to. I was raised this way. I was taught this by my parents. Aside from the "Southern Hospitality" it's just my nature. I naturally am happy with the comfort of the next person over myself. If I give my lunch to a homeless person, I will eat later. They may not. If it's offering my jacket to someone who is cold, I will get heat later. They may not. Need an umbrella? Here's mine...It's just water. I'll be ok. I wouldn't say it's draining because that's just simply what I do. I like to see other people happy, even if it makes me temporarily uncomfortable. Even if it costs me money. Even if it costs me hours of driving or hours of sleep. Plenty of time I could be doing something for myself. I take the hit. Though you may think it should always have a positive outcome, it doesn't. Imagine giving the remainder of your meal (which you planned to eat) to someone who is obviously hungry just for them to examine it and later throw it away because it's not of their liking. Picture DRIVING 5.5hrs (11hrs round trip) to see someone you thought would be happy to see you just to find out they don't like surprises of that nature. Damn, right?
I'm suffering from what I was taught. [STORY TIME] I remember being roughly 12 or 13yrs old and I called my Mom to ask her may I eat the chicken leftovers she had from a BBQ place the day before. She said I could. After opening the plate, I noticed there were also ribs inside. Well I now wanted chicken and ribs. With this new desire, I decided to eat both chicken AND ribs. Well, that didn't go as planned. Mom later came home around 11pm with the taste of ribs to eat for dinner. But there were none. She bought the meal, saved those ribs and after being forced to work overtime, just wanted ribs to come home to at the end of her day. But, there were none. She doesn't know it but that changed my outlook on life forever. Though it was a simple mistake on my part it was deeper than that. It was also greediness. Inconsiderate. Selfish. Yea it's just ribs, yea it's just food. But I saw the frustration on her face. Though she didn't say anything about it, I realized how much she was looking forward to THAT meal while everything else was closed. I asked for chicken, I should've eaten just chicken. If I wanted ribs, I should've asked for ribs. Little things. Isaac Newton said "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction". She took me to school, left work, picked me up from school, dropped me off at home, went back to work, worked later than expected and can't even come home to the food she set aside for herself. You know that your mother's disapproval or sadness effects you more than you like to admit. That's the Queen. If anyone gets what they want or deserve, she does. Ever since then I think about the next person more than myself. I've been providing for myself for quite some time now without the help of my parents. I've bought clothes, shoes, school books, etc since I was 16. I rarely ask for things from anyone, especially to inconvenience them so if I do it's highly important to me. You won't hear me complain. You probably won't notice my discomfort. I'm just not that guy. For 9 months, it's all about me. I say that realizing I was up last night sacrificing a couple hours of sleep for a conversation because I was 9hrs ahead of that person. lol We live in a day where people don't like to be uncomfortable. People don't like being inconvenienced. They feel their time is more valuable than the next. We live in a world of me, me, me. Take, take, take. Is it us millennials? Is this the way the world is slowly becoming? Are we secrectly preparing and evolving into a state of "survival of the fittest" that looks out for us and ONLY us? Or am I just TOO damn friendly? Do I care TOO much? lol. Am I the "there should be more people like you" example. Or the "Any woman would be lucky to have you" guy?
I'm realizing sometimes it's ok to be selfish. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. There's a thin line between sacrificing because you care and "doing the most"...Sadly you never know you crossed that line until it's too late.
Soundtrack: "Healer" - Mick Jenkins